Trek through a Thought

Through times of unbalance
We stand on weighty scales
Pondering each side
Which wins, which fails
The sun goes down each day
Like an anchor in the sea’s floor
We graciously abide with less, while needing more
Smiles of momentary bliss flow
Though not many deeply know
One reality from another
In the life of a strange mother

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Aside

Menstruated Relevance

It’s birth was a self-proclaimed excitement of newness from the very start

But what ejects from the mouth surely comes from the heart

I don’t know if you know that I happen to know

That seeds planted in the moment will flourish and eventually grow

Into a thing expected, but certainly not hoped for

Sometimes, we pray for a disengaged cap-off

Or a magical hinge which closes the door

On negativity, complaints, and unrealistic hopes for

Ungracious favor –  amenities; those things realistically not in store

For you? Me? No!

When unable to take the heat, one must pack up and go

Inside of self to find and oust the true yet vicious culprit

The answer won’t be found inside a gurus spirit, nor a sanctimonious pulpit

The guru needs to breathe and the preacher has his own life

Which is also filled with possessiveness, the God complex, and strife

But as long as I know that I know what I do know

You too can learn this way to evade being tossed to and fro

Through the thick and profuse forest for that very tree

Which stands in your way, though you refuse to humbly look and see

Me

The one and only one who truly understands

The plight of a queen, the fight of a man

Through the blackness of our blood, sweat, and unceasing tears

Though none go with, we remain adhering for years

Coming out and going into the sweltering furnace of death’s hell fire

Toiling, blistering, and carrying the dead weight of an anvil’s desire

There is always an insidious calm before the impending storm

When she is weary, debased, and facing a hope forlorn

It is by pure faith that dreamed hopes will one day be one

Until then, this pillared woman’s work is now done

She patiently waits for that grand day of relief to finally arrive

When menstruated relevance cedes, lays down, and

For the time being

Dies

 

Aside

The Tempest

The mind knoweth not

Where the heart doth go

As a lovesick breeze of eagerness

Carries it to and fro

 

Having no knowledge of where or why

That former blissful wind came

The mind is not at fault

Only life is to blame

 

For this tumultuous storm rising

Leaving sheer destruction in its path

And a desperate longing for peace

To replace that which razed from wrath

 

Whilst shards of glass crumble

Under thy very feet

Thou too dost tread

Upon reconstructable debris

 

Forgiveness is an everlasting mortar

Well mending fragments of a broken heart

The mind now knoweth whence it came

And surely now, where to start

 

Aside

Continual Resort #10|Checking Traps

Continual Resort #10|Checking Traps

businessman talking over phone

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Donny finally managed to compose his list of ingredients for his new entrée idea although he was quite perturbed by the days events. Not knowing how this weekend would play out and not caring much, Donny gave Sandy the heads up to let everyone else know that he was taking the rest of the day off and would not be back until Tuesday. In an odd way, he did find some comfort in being able to take time to gather his thoughts on all that was happening in his life. He also felt better about being able to plan on seeing his daughter during his time off. It would give him a chance to casually question Sheralyn about what she may or may not know about Linda’s sneaking around.

He truly did not want to become suspicious and cause things between himself and Linda to blow up again, but he could not help but wonder because his father had actually told the truth – for once. Donny was determined to not let his family issues to destroy what he had with Linda, but still…he needed to understand what was going on right under his nose.

Pushing all doubts aside before leaving work, Donny thought about John, because he would be stopping by the store on the way home. “I guess I’ll hook old boy up today.” With an ample ‘to-go’ box in a bag, Donny quickly headed towards Walmart so that John’s meal would still be reasonably warm once he received it.

“Awww, so you remembered me after all! Thanks man!” John graciously took the bag from Donny who was happy to be of some use to the man who sat regularly in front of the store…asking and hoping for help from somewhere – anywhere. John smiled. “Is this that mah-hee-mah-hee thang that I had at your place that day?”

“Well John, it ain’t really my place…I just work there.”

“Really? Yer shit’n me! Well…if that ain’t yer place then it damn shore oughta be, but whoever owns tha place is damn smart, I’ll tell’ya that.” Donny chuckled and smiled before answering.

“Yeah, uh…it’s actually my dad’s place. He worked a long time and went through a lot of shit to get there too, so I sorta learned what I know from him.”

John already knew full well the information that Donny had freely and unknowingly given him before he left. John was sure that Donny knew nothing about how his father had actually ‘worked his way up’, but as soon as the fitting season arrived, the perfect storm would blow into all of their lives without warning, and John vowed that he would either live or die  through it – satisfied.

**

With her last client happy and gone, Linda quickly and thoroughly cleaned her utensils and station before heading to her mother’s house to tell her the good news about the meeting with the agent from the Angel Investment program. Sheralyn answered her daughter’s excited rapping and doorbell ringing; curious about what had caused Linda’s elated actions.

She brushed past her mother and headed for her usual seat at the kitchen table.

“Oh, mom I don’t have time for coffee right now. I’m so excited I could just burst! ”

“And that is exactly what looks like will happen if you don’t spit it out, but aren’t you forgetting something – or should I say – someone?”

“Oh, my goodness mom…I’m sorry. Bri must be asleep because she didn’t come to the door with you as usual.”

“Well, you’re right and I’m glad that she was asleep because you would have knocked the poor child over and stepped on her on your way in. I barely managed to keep myself standing.” Sheralyn smiled knowing that Linda had very good news, so she calmly sat at the table, waited, and listened. “So, what’s all the hoopla about?”

Linda composed herself a bit and began to explain the call from the agent who would be aiding her in the start-up of her salon. She explained in great detail her conversation with Steve and asked Sheralyn if she would keep Brianne another day so that she could attend her meeting the following day to which her mother agreed but noticed that Linda had not mentioned Donny.

“Well, I’ll say it this way…I’m really happy for you and I’m very hopeful that you know what you are getting into, but this does seem a bit hasty. On the other hand, this may well be the break that you need, but you do know to not let anyone rush you until you have all aspects in place mentally and otherwise, right? I also notice that you apparently have not spoken to Donny about all of this – right again?”

Linda calmed down considerably, realizing that she had not fooled her mother through all of her animated gestures and fast talking in hopes that Sheralyn would not question her about the details that she had purposefully omitted. Although she suddenly did not want to have this discussion, it was inevitable so again, the explanations accompanied by some meager excuses began. Linda told her mother that she had not yet had a chance to speak with Donny but would be sure to tell him a little ‘white lie’ about her having to work late on Saturday. She explained that it was not time to discuss everything with him as yet, because she wanted to make sure that she was actually ready to move forward. Promising that she would in time tell Donny everything and that he deserved to know because their finances depended on it, Linda somewhat gave assurance that things had to be this way for the time being. Sheralyn held a look of skepticism, but accepted what she was told for fear of putting a damper on Linda’s gleeful demeanor, but despite all, she still needed to delve deeper.

“So what you’re saying is that I should not make mention of your plans for tomorrow and after you’re sure of all of this, you will have a talk with the father of your child? Linda, you know that I don’t like lying about anything no matter how crucial it may be, but I guess I’ll have to let it slide this time…I just don’t understand why he can’t know beforehand.”

“Oh mom! Can’t you see? Like I said, this really is happening kind of fast and I really need to be absolutely sure of everything involved. It’s not that I think things won’t work out. The agent – Steve, is so nice to me and he explains everything so plainly. This program is on the lookout for potential entrepreneurs and they help people in the community so I’m actually just being extra careful. You know how I am…I have to see it through to the end before I spill the beans. Steve has already made it clear that I won’t be rushed into anything and there will be some involvement in learning the ropes which is a good thing. He assured me that he would be with me every step of the way with anything that I needed to learn and that I wouldn’t have to worry about being funded and left without knowing anything else afterwards. Mom, you’ve just got to do this for me this one time!”

By this time, Brianne awakened to the noise of her mother’s pleading and came into the kitchen for a hug and kiss, glad to see her.  She climbed into Linda’s lap, nestling her little head comfortably into her mother’s bosom and went back to sleep. Linda rocked her lovingly as Sheralyn spoke again.

“Sweetheart, I’ve known you since before the day you were born…there is still something you’re not telling me. I’m not willing to drag it out of you so I’ll just voice my suspicions. I’m sure that you already know what I’m talking about, but please tell me that this Steve guy looks like an ogre and has no other hope in life besides whatever he is doing to earn money. Her daughter gave no answer. “I thought so. Linda, you’ve got to stop this fantasizing and make up your mind about what you really want for your life. You’ve done this sort of thing ever since you were a girl and though you are still young now, you are living a grown-up life. Please don’t get yourself into any trouble. I know that you and Donny were on really shaky ground not too long ago, but you guys seem to have done well since then. Make up your mind and let business be business…don’t go out on a whim simply because you are letting your imagination get the best of you.”

Linda almost cringed at her mother’s ability to read her and be precisely right in her thoughts and suspicions.  “Damn”, she thought. She couldn’t get anything past her mother. Linda had indeed enjoyed Steve’s attentiveness and gentleman-like qualities when they’d met in person. Their phone conversation had induced even more ‘getaway from reality’ images in her mind about this stranger falling hopelessly in love with her and taking her away to live a rich and blissful life on an island far away from the norm. Fully aware that these scenarios were merely a portal through which she could temporarily erase that fateful night when her baby’s father raised his hand to her in a brief yet violent spell of anger and distrust, Linda iterated that she was and would continue to be faithful to her relationship and that she was well aware that everyone made mistakes, especially due to the fact that she had thrown the first several blows. She and Donny would be just fine, she told Sheralyn, but inside she asked herself, “Won’t we?”

*

That night, they were free in their own ways, but both had and hid their reservations about their circumstances. Donny’s frustrations followed him home. Thoughts of his brother’s remarks and nasty attitude along with his father’s  impromptu syrupy sweet friendliness that was sure to morph into an explosive and disastrous poster child for parental fuck-ups ran back and forth in his memory despite the mixture of liquor and herbal smoke invading his psyche only to induce an urge to release all. Linda’s high gave her the same urge to release the build-up of excitement, nervousness, and apprehension from all aspects of her day at work and with her mother.

Relaxed and willing, their lovemaking occurred in heated throes , though not from passion as much as the need to be free if only for a brief span of time. Their tryst soon became a hurried abruptness which would have failed Donny in Linda’s behalf had it not been for her savior – her imaginings that enabled her to reach the pinnacle of pleasure that had almost escaped her. Despite an unexpected yet satiated end to this episode of physical action, Donny was able to detect that Linda had a lot on her mind just as he did. She told him that she would be working late the next day after he spoke about his trying day. He accepted her statements and understood that her schedule was the reason for Brianne’s absence. Donny showed no inhibitions about their conversation though his suspicions grew. He had to keep his cool to avoid the potential for another argument, so he again kept his feelings hidden. Trying to see things as positively as possible, he looked forward to being able to sleep in late on Saturday and visit his baby. He also mentally broke himself down enough to take Donald up on his offer to save his material until that Monday. Still apprehensive about riding around with his father, Donny kissed Linda goodnight, turned over, and they both slept…anxious to experience what the events of the next day would bring.

**

Donald had finally convinced Jesse to take her meds. For some reason, she had no intentions on going through this process, but gave in to her husband’s admonitions. He wet a cool hand towel to place on her forehead while continuing to try to encourage her of the wonderful weekend that they were sure to have. Their son would be over, and hopefully everyone would be present at church on Sunday to stand under his voice as he led the congregation in an earnest prayer, and they would all have dinner at Robertson’s.

“Don’t worry dear…everything is going to be all right. You just rest now, Jesse…I love you.”

Aside

Poem #16 – April

This is poem #16, but as the actual date of this post is April 24, 2013 it is obvious that I am playing catch up. I have been sidetracked by my daughter’s TCAP testing (virtual school) in having to leave home for the week of April 22-25. The previous week was also full of to-dos that I could not avoid which pushed me into writer’s block. I seriously could not think of ANYTHING to write despite the fact that I was truly enjoying the NaPoWriMo challenge.

I am so far behind on my poems that it seems that I will not make it to the end of the month, but I am determined, because this week is also the week of my 20th anniversary. My husband nor I ever remember the exact day that we got married due to my once uncontrollable temper which caused me to angrily break the frame that encased our original marriage license minutes before ripping the license to shreds. We did later get a copy, but after all these years, who knows where that is? So each year during the last  week of April, we just tell each  other ‘Happy Anniversary’ – neither of us realizing  or caring when the proper day has passed.

All I know is that 20 years have passed and it doesn’t feel like it so we must have done something right along the tedious road that we have traveled together…we also do not wear wedding rings because back then we were too poor to buy them and I just happen to be allergic to metal so in the beginning, all that mattered to me was the paper but that obviously didn’t last very long. I am writing this poem in honor of mine and my husband’s good and bad times…still kicking through it all!

There is no face like his

No smile can compare

To that of his

We are a pair

His strength overwhelms me

So does his gentleness

In my time of weakness

I can rest

We laugh at nothing

Also everything

It warms my heart

To hear him sing

His voice can be soft

And smooth as silk

sensuously tearing down

My contrary will

I can anger him

with my attitude

Even when I know I’m wrong

He refuses to be rude

Until he chooses to be

The tables turn

He can hurt my feelings

Blood boils, my heart burns

But as each day arrives

He never ceases to prove

That away from me

He will never move

This makes me proud

But sometimes not

During those episodes

When tempers run hot

Love and hate at once

I cannot fathom

Until I am overcome

By his never-ending passion

We look strange to others

Because we never hide

Unable to conceal

Love, anger, patience, pride

We care not

When others cannot see

That twenty years is well enough

To know where you want to be

Aside

Poem #7 – Moving

English: Lubnaclach in splendid isolation. It ...

English: Lubnaclach in splendid isolation. It prompted me to think of the poem, “Ozymandias”, where Shelley says, “Round the decay / Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare / The lone and level sands stretch far away” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Days in a daze

Life is a maze

Treading on grass blades

Direction unknown

Layer after layer falls

Bare is the heart that calls

Life stalls

Status alone

An outlook demure

A mind unsure

Faith is the cure

Live on

Aside

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