Bad Blend

I scribbled this down one night while seething in anger. I am looking at it now and it is difficult to read my own handwriting when in that state, but I finally made out the words…here goes.

Bad Blend

My world is my mind,

My life lives in three hearts

My cubbyhole is a box

In which I shall not depart

Although I peek outside

Every now and then

My senses become numb

And can’t say ‘stop’ or ‘when’

Don’t do that again!

After the fire, there are no ashes,

The ‘calm’ disintegrates

I don’t see what I see…

Sad truths are instantly erased

But appeasement

Follows and soothing words sweep up like a broom

The reality of what went wrong

Keeps me from darkest darkness;  impending doom

Though not entranced by shiny objects – rings and things, they all glisten

From sticks to bricks – they all hurt

Except for when I don’t listen

Staying the course can be a many splendor thing

But if not careful, splinters pierce veins

This pain deeply stings

I forgive, but cannot forget

Forgetting is graciously God’s elected job

I am relieved to know that this truth is set

While I without fear violently rob

The thief that comes in

To steal, kill, and destroy

The circle of my love, washed in anxiety

Somehow I maintain naturally induced joy

The spigot of eternity awaits me through dogged faith

I shall remain bold

For fear of becoming lukewarm

As opposed to keeping myself hot and from turning cold

There is a river that flows continually from within

Please let it do what it does –

Undisturbed

To avoid creating new sin

 

This was a little weird for me…I’m still not sure what I was actually trying to express, but I do know that it came from deep inside a burning heart and a mind that was filled with anger and hope all in one mixed up package.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aside

Free Write Friday|Kellie Elmore – Continual Resort

I have so enjoyed everyone’s short stories from last week’s Free Write Friday|Kellie Elmore’s prompt that I decided to try the free style short story bit out, but couldn’t resist the urge to rhyme so here is a mixture of the two!

Continual Resort

The sound of the rustle of tall weeds awoke him as his eyes opened to a rolling cloud filled with dust which signified the immediate misery that assailed his thoughts upon becoming coherent of his new surroundings. He knew exactly where he was…alone…again. In an attempt to breathe in a sigh of usual acceptance due to the state of his current solitary existence, the humidity in the air stifled the process of inhalation, howbeit; at a relieving exhale, that feeling of deliverance returned as always.

“Well, this is a new one for me…

never thought that here is where I would find myself to be…”

He could feel thick patches of dirt sticking to his back as he raised himself up on one elbow to be still just before sitting up; legs outstretched in front of his weary body. Flailing one hand at his back to knock off the dirt, he noticed that his bare legs had practically baked under the heat of the sun. The smell of his own souring sweat filled extremely dry nostrils, and as if involuntarily, one hand reached up to pick strands of burnt grass – also causing even more grains of dirt to fall from the stickiness of his hair which was now matted with heat, sweat, and natural products of the elements. No birds flew or sang happily overhead as he again raised his eyes to the sky only to be blinded yet comforted by the sun and its brief incapacitating power of causing him to not be able to see what was in front of him. He did not want to see…neither did he want to feel anything now save the heat that seared his skin and the discomfort of the thickness of the hot and lonely atmosphere in this place.

“No pain, no gain

I guess that I should be content, 

but it would be nice to have a little rain.”

Just after this thought escaped his enclosed mind, the long and dusty billowing cloud opened ever so slightly to release a slow pattern of warm to lukewarm raindrops that without warning turned into a tepid downpour; washing away all that previously adhered. This refreshing coolness rejuvenated and strengthened him enough to where he was able to place himself on all fours in order raise momentarily on his knees. At a quick glance at the ground upon becoming upright was when he was struck with the realization that not a stitch of clothing covered his bare, sunburned, and now not so dirty body. The earlier happenings before his arrival here must have been a real doozy, but in this moment – the past did not matter regardless of how late whatever had happened not long ago entailed. His immediate assumption was that his nakedness must have meant that he had succeeded in another escape from an insurmountable pain to which there was no choice but to be catapulted into some other realm in order to keep from totally losing it. He could actually feel the freedom that he so desperately needed to survive and under the welcomed, rainy torrent – feeling stronger now and with outstretched arms, he belted out a solemn sincere prayer under roaring thunder to whomever – be it himself or another who had been the author of his prompt escape from confusion…

“Oooohhh, thank you – I SO needed this,

I have been cleansed – could this be bliss?

Whatever it was, it is now gone,

Though I am alone – my strength is damn strong –

But still, not damned to a living of NO;

Through You – I’ll always have somewhere to go!

Why should I care if it’s there or in this crazy place?

As long as I return while able to save face!”

It seemed as if it had never happened when the rain, wind, thunder at the same time suddenly stopped! All that was left from this particular episode of subconsciously self-endorsed elopement was to the right of him, a small puddle in which he could see his reflection at first sight of turning to look into it. Peering into this nature induced impromptu mirror revealed the faces of an obedient yet mischievous child that morphed into a rebellious but depressed, hurting but creative teen, which finally evolved into the gift, artist, poet, victim, philosopher, warrior, and then – the monster! Not much to his surprise, these changes came in that exact order although he was well aware that each image shown on the water was a true replica of the many facets of himself. Though slightly perturbed at the monstrous side of his reflection, he was still aware that it had been born from his past as well as his presence of which he was at the moment – totally free from. He completely refused to give up this feeling of self-vindication from past woes despite the fact that this rebellious and retaliatory presence was prominent. Now deep in thought at the possibility of the necessity to find a way to cancel out the monster, he suddenly became viciously irate at himself for not having an inkling of an idea of how to go about this much-needed process. He prayed again:

“This must be the calm that comes after the storm,

Why do I see myself as anything but the norm?

Will I ever reach the heart of my true self that was meant?

Or should I just waste the rest of my time not well spent?

Why is the hate so strong –

So prominent in my life?

Could it be from having no mother – no wife?

Regardless, this is not who I truly should be…

My time shall forever be spent finding me.”

With a sense of relief, he stood in full stance…the birds began to fly and sing, a cool breeze made the tall weeds dance.

The dusty cloud now clean split apart revealing blue skies…it’s bright colors drowning out past woes – inner cries.

Taking in a long deep breath from clean air physically and mentally soothed;

Giving new light to a better outlook and the strength to not be moved,

By the pain of abandonment felt by a boy suffering from rejection;

The presence of the man having slaughtered the monster created from constant dejection.

Now exhausted from this journey, he lay himself down and fell into a deep sleep

Covered in tall weeds that made a soft bed temporarily for fresh dreams to keep.

He did not worry at all about his eventual return;

To life where truths hurt and harsh realities burned.

He knew that to continue was the plan to survive;

Knowing that there would always be a continual resort whenever hard times arrived.

 

 

 

It took me a while, but this was truly a blast, thanks to Kellie Elmore rocking the FWF!! 🙂

Aside

The Blazing Stone

At first, I found writing for my uncle a bit challenging as I was never that crazy about him and he has always and still is a force to be reckoned with, although there is still respect between us. I had to think long and hard about how I would be able to create something decent for someone who was never my favorite person, but the fact that he is hurting now helped me in deciding to do a ‘story’ styled poem that would describe his strong character by referring to related concepts. As I began to write, I actually got into it, so here goes:

The Blazing Stone


Zealous roads we tread, lasting long, leading to Nowhere

Until we reached the land of Together

A stretch of land where flowers grew and clean was the air

I looked out of our kitchen window and noticed a blazing stone

The smokescreen from it formed words saying,

“Through it all, you will never be alone.”


Our white picket fence stood in rich soil which plentifully produced fruit

From our labor together – yet alone

In a busy city swarming with blue ties, white shirts, and black suits

…and the flame grew, blazing still

You saw it too

It gave us both chills…

While prejudice flew like bees in summer, we still stayed with the times

Despite all that came against us together – with them

It was an era when harsh truths were designed

Fighting for our rights was a daily and long-drawn game

That we won together – with many

Who lived and died for the cause until we overcame

This struggle was done, so we looked to check our flame again

There was no blaze but the smokescreen read,

“It is not over – next time hold hands.”

Many happy years went by but with a few ups and downs

That didn’t really matter because

We were together, and you were always around

But we were content with life as it was despite a very hard past

Living for ourselves – together

Must be the way to make it last

But seemingly all of a sudden our world began to change

The downs grew much larger

And the ups began to wane

The day that pain and heartache came knocking on our door

I saw our flame rise much higher

Than it ever had been before

“Take her hand now!” It said, just as you drifted away

How will I make it now?”

This was all that I could say.

I ran to the blazing stone in search of an answer in truth

No smokescreen to read, but a voice said,

“Remember the days of your youth!…

This flame will blaze continually, as a monumental fire

you are not alone for there is one who will care until you retire

I will still stand high and shine, you can run to me and stand…

being sure of your destination leading to the Land of Together again!”

 

Aside

One

I have a funeral to go to today. One of my mom’s sisters passed away and she only had one child (adult). I wrote two poems – for the daughter and one for the husband. The second poem (for husband) will be in the next post.

 

One

How marvelous it truly is, but I don’t yet understand why

How one can simultaneously live when they have naturally died

I find it especially uncanny that another life still goes on

When the other one has ceased and there’s no more right or wrong

After having rode the cycle of life traveling in and out of forever

One continually comes and goes regardless of the weather

As I reminisce on past times of how my life began and grew

Being the only one chosen to be given life directly through you

These thoughts are but a glimpse now, but oh how I yearn

To grasp the whole concept of how one table can turn

In me caring for you just as you did for me

My one lone question is how can this possibly be

How can one day be life and yet the next one death

One soul is set free while the other one is left

Alone to be bathed in darkness until with mercy the sun shines again

Shedding light on a lasting truth that you are my one best friend

Though you are not here to say so, I’m sure that you agree

That where you are right now is where one should aspire to be

Knowing this fills me with hope, surely it will sustain me until

I too have ridden that cycle and one Lord does His very will

But for now though my heart is heavy and my eyes are filled with tears

I shall cherish one love provided for me which lasted for many a year

I can say now that I understand how a life still moves when it is done

It is all because of Grace given to us all freely by One.

Aside

What the Race Revealed

The sun shone brightly on the heart of a lonely one yesterday

A fresh and new outlook brought yearnings for an enduring full life’s stay

Without traveling back to the pain of a past not long ago

Encircled by the demon of No’s induced thoughts tossing the soul to and fro

But at this time my private wind now chooses its own content and patient path

Straying away from downtrodden confusion, negative influence, and ultimate wrath

Peeking through a single cloud’s cover – maintaining my own acceptable pace

Staying the course through thick humidity – so determined to win the race

The finishing line is near, subsequent to the obstacle course

That stands eminently and taunting – yet  helps me to find the source

Of what initially caused me to cave in and suffer an exhausted fail

Purged is an oppressed tribe of strength…stoically refusing to ail

From diseased differentiation, status quo, isolation and offensive pull

That wolf cannot fool me now, for I can identify his wiry wool

Though I run along – alone – my view is now perfectly clear

Until my winds begin to blow stronger…explaining my true purpose here

Which is to be a light…beaming towards another lone  dying heart

Nurturing humanity and love – we all must do our given part

To find ourselves running the shining path together – never again alone

For all our destinations surely lead to the very same  sought out home

Abiding well in understanding, clarity and peace – truth –  not hard to obtain

As long as we live to give –  as opposed to a life of selfish gain

While rain falls, floods rise and brittle hail breaks the soul of the lonely one

Who runs alone – yet with many the path…til at last the race is won!

We all have our flaws, fears, and inhibitions. I truly believe that these three work together to feed the starving artist in us all, and our various manner of expression touches the hearts of those akin to the cause.

Thanks for reading!

Aside

The Wayfarers Foundation – A Hopeful Amendment

I came up with this title around a week or more before I was actually able to get my thoughts together for it today. It was inspired by one of Kellie Elmore’s Free Write Friday prompts, also ckisler’s Braking Points blog – post – Homelessness in Galilee and USA Luke 8:26-39.

In Memphis, the homeless situation is profound, but it seems to be ignored which really bothers me in a big way.

While my father was in the VA working very hard to recover from his first stroke. Several years later with the second stroke, he wound up in the same facility, but things were worse than the first time. I was faced with riding to and fro (with my husband, mom, and very young daughter) for visits that hurt my heart.

What hurt even more was knowing that I had survived these visits only to be more hurt by the man at the corner of the intersection, accompanied by a sign that read, ‘Help me, I am a veteran.’

Every day on the way and back from visits with my dad, I would see this man in the same spot with the same sign and wearing the same coat. Unshaven, hot, and uncomfortable in the worst way, and apparently unrecognized as important, because traffic – as if in a recurring dream, constantly passed by with no stops for me to witness or take part in any sort of grand attempt to take this man from where he was to where he needed to be.

Somehow I knew he was surviving somehow, but my mind could not fathom this possibility in a realistic way because – he was still there…every day, just as my father was in that hospital bed…every day with hopes of coming home to put finishing touches on his recovery which did  happen with the first stroke, not so much with the second, but a recovery non-the-less.

The fact is that my dad had somewhere to go, which was the house that he had and was still dearly paying for. But the veteran on the corner who had also served his country was left outside to abide the elements, traffic, and who knows what else for twenty-four hours a day – each day of his life.

Is he still there today, or has he gone on to a place where he need not worry about an ideal place for him to live in? I know not as this man and his unfortunate lifestyle is considered a negatively superfluous extension of our city and it was several years ago when I was visiting my ailing father in the VA.

What struck me more than the question of why I never saw anyone stop (including myself although I thought about it with no real helpful scenario to follow up with) was why the man couldn’t simply walk that one block to the VA for help. We eventually passed the veteran by one last time on the day we brought my father home, and I was overwhelmed with an undying sense of chagrin. With reluctant acceptance, I knew that while that building stood where and as it was, it – just as well as I had miserably failed that man.

Despite understanding that the VA was a hospital and not a shelter, I still viewed the homeless hero’s sidewalk station as an undeniable display of the actual ‘aide’ that any given veteran may receive following his/her signed and sealed service.

Years later, this man is still on my mind.

 

Several years later…

 

My family (husband and now 3 kids) and I were on our way home from church (which I no longer attend now but also question on the same level as organized facilities such as the VA etc.) and we saw a family of about seven crossing the street at the old end of Bellevue Blvd which becomes Elvis Presley Blvd once you pass the intersection.

The mom, dad, and about five small children were making their way across this very busy area…the mother making sure her children held hands tightly while in step with each other as they carefully made their trek from one side of the street to the other. Holding a smaller child’s hand and carrying a bag of snacks in the other with the smallest child on her hip, I could plainly see caution and fear on their faces. The father, protector, and head of his unfortunate family walked in front, playing the role of shield. His defensive attitude was obvious as he valiantly led his family from point A to B, and they made it. I had no idea where they were going, but I did know that the small bag of snacks they had just purchased with what little they had would not be enough to fill either of their bellies.

I saw them again last week in the same area, but this time they were washing cars in the lot of a restaurant that has been closed down for some 3-5 odd years, but the father looked as if he were on a cell phone (probably borrowing from the client), hopefully talking to a new customer. Maybe he was speaking to someone about finding somewhere to live, but his body language showed that the conversation was not going well. I saw nothing but desperation, frustration, and hopelessness.

No one asks for this.

That family has been on my mind since the first day that I saw them crossing the street that day. Seeing them as well as the homeless veteran and so many others that we pass by every day reminded me of  a dream (a hope for the future) that my mother and I had in common. Today, this hope has become quite urgent in my thoughts since her passing. She often talked about starting some type of self-organized foundation for feeding/helping the homeless as she was an excellent cook and all of her daughters would use what we learned from her to make her dream come true.  Although my parents participated in several charitable organizations that were big on feeding and helping homeless people, she still had the urge to do something on a personal level, but her dream was unfortunately not lived out as she succumbed to an inherited family history of silent killers.

This dream that my mother had still lives with me today and I am determined to act on it.  Although I am limited in what I really want to do later, I still give when I can, haphazardly and random as it may be. For now, I will simply have to settle for what works in the now. But if by some miracle, sudden stroke of luck, perseverance, or whatever it is that will make it happen, I know what I want to do with my life. If I am able to make another life better, my living will not have been in vain.

In the meantime, I come from the heart (as usual) with this poem called:

The Wayfarers Foundation

Many scores lasting forever and many years to date

We the ‘eyesore’ have been forced to patiently suffer and wait

For some action to be taken…shall more of you awaken

To the fact that our living quarters called ‘homes’ have been taken

In the midst of a dwindling and eroding economy

Do we seriously need to question the severe lack of money

Despite being a member of the land of the free and home of the brave

It should matter not my choice of which service I gave

The potential to lose my comfort or ability – namely my very life

Yet my bedroom is a cardboard box regardless of the weather every night

What about those of us who were simply dealt a bad hand

Booted from common livelihoods, now unable to lease a piece of land

Higher authorities casually ignore us

While inaction and self-piety beget more of us

Is there no law written

For the ones who have been smitten

By the force of abiding at the lowest grade

Possessing the need to find elms for mere shade

Are we not deserving of hand-built roofs also

Shall it be called justice as we travel to and fro

On pavement and gravel alike, even dirt roads to nowhere

Our destinations far beyond us just as our very welfare

As we the wayfarers are deemed non-contributers of supply and demand

Our miniscule supply is depleted while the latter still stands

It is unfortunate that holiday charities do not very long last

In order to satiate our hunger and lack once that time has passed

We set up quarters of blankets,various leftovers and if lucky – tents

In places that are public –  where privacy is not meant

To be obtained in weather such as heat, snow and rain

Our candles go out just as we do much the same

But we the ‘eyesore’ come strongly together as one

As a whole people working endlessly to get something done

For the betterment of The States which is sadly and sorely due

If nothing changes, this could happen even to the most wealthy of you

As a union we stand yet divided according to place

We ask to be rationed daily resources with which to wipe dirt from our children’s face

In order to be presentable as we stand before the great panels of our nation

To plead our God-given rights in the name of The Wayfarers Foundation!

The Roof…

Several days have gone by and I have not been able to think of anything to write. I have looked at some prompts that held my interest, but I can’t seem to get my thoughts together on any of them right now. I don’t know why this happens to me so often and it is very disturbing to me that at times my mind is full of words and rhymes that seem to flow effortlessly while writing posts and at other times there is absolutely nothing. I can deal with going a day or two but when this ‘thing’ lasts for a week or more it really bothers me, so I decided to just start pecking on the keyboard to write about my thoughts on this issue of mine and maybe something decent will be borne from it.

As I am typing now I have absolutely no idea if I will end up with a poem or just a regular post, but today has been a bit foggy with everything that I tried to do around the house such as putting a chicken in the oven and completely forgetting about it. The fact that my sense of smell is not so keen does not help much when my short-term memory is compromised along with my foggy overall thinking on days like these. It was the kids who informed me that I needed to check dinner because it had ‘been in there too long’ just before my husband came in from work exclaiming the same and of course, I smoothed things over by explaining to my hungry family that the chicken did not burn in the oven, but that it was just a little too brown. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I am glad to say that these incidents do not occur often, it’s just a tad too frequent for me as I piddle around – not disgusted or depressed but rather…slightly disenchanted. Needless to say, I will be very thankful when whatever it is has run its course and finally ends.

Despite my current temporary funk, the kids are still running around playing and joshing ever so loudly so all is still well other than the fact that my brain keeps drawing a big fat blank – the noise…I love and hate it all at the same time.

Meanwhile, here goes something…hopefully it will not turn out to be nothing.

For the record, my six-year-old just came in to tell me that he really enjoyed my wonderfully burnt chicken and that I am the best cook in the world. This either means that we really need to get out more, or the boy has an unnatural relationship with food that needs to be addressed immediately…maybe a little of both, but here goes:

My renewable solitude

Where I can be nice or even rude

Feelings stay in my pocket until I make them known

Yet they all understand when my symptoms are full-blown

Nights are too short but the days are long

I am constantly covered whether I’m right or wrong

I can think and say whatever I feel

I can perfectly cook or even burn a meal

Despite it all, I live with true love

Settled in this place like a hand in glove

My commitment here is worth more than gold

My intent is to stay put until at last I am old

No matter how rough or ragged the road

I shall make the best of my cozy, humble abode

Tranquil fantasies often blend in with my nightmares

Sleep deprived but well rested because someone cares

Good days and not – all are cherished the same

Mama and Wife are my first and last names

Though not necessarily do they come in that order

They maintain their presence when I reach that dreaded border

Of the last of my sanity – when at my wit’s end

Feeling abandoned – lacking family or friend

My quick fix is in the eyes of three loving brown pairs

I realize again why my life was spared

To see their smiles and be disturbed by happy noise

My reason for living is one girl and two boys

They love unconditionally when I can’t and when I can

I must give props to their dad – a hard-working man

Many a struggle has invaded and burst through our front door

But love and faith taught us what togetherness is for

I learn as I go while using what I was taught

I refuse to have had my folks go through all that trouble for naught

In spite of my imaginings, I embrace my today

Never trading out my years to live in  another way

This group never fails to succeed when my mind is aloof

In giving me in hopes of what’s in store for us under the same roof

Aside

The Mind’s Life

For once the day is good

Finding a smile as I should

On my own face as opposed to yours

My life does not compete, nor does it take scores

It just lives

And grows as is

To be that; that it will be

So I’ll just wait and see

While currently relaxing with a hot cup of green tea…

That so happens to be…

In a green mug

By some miracle, I managed to miss all slugs

Not that I was the target

They rang out as I on my way to the market

To re-stock on fresh veggies from the store around the corner

I stopped to ration out change to the mourners

Of a good life lost, some simply strung out

But their specifics is not something I need to know about

Because it’s not my business after all

Of what took place prior to the fall

Of the have-nots or their unfortunate history

But for the grace of God – it could have been me

Who am I to say

That I would never turn out that way

Shit happens…

That’s why I’m tappin’…

Typin’ instead of rappin’…

Reading aloud…to whoever hath an ear

Let him hear

Life has two gears

Courage and fear

It all depends

On which end

You choose to move the shift

It’s your choice whether you opt for a sink or a lift

En route to ‘Don’t Know’ but I know where I am

Stopping to visit real folks from the fam

Sorry, gotta pass by those who ain’t

Real I mean – won’t deal with you – I just cain’t

Oh yeah, that word is commonly used

When you’re from the south where language is subconsciously abused

But honestly, it is our native tongue

Derived from ancestors from everywhere – not just mom

From Africa to India and America too

I may be a mutt, but technically so are you

Can you really go back and find them all in one place

Thought so; yet not many of us check the ‘Other’ box when identifying our race

Somehow we’ve been groomed

To not leave much room

For what we actually know

Like puppets we only acknowledge what shows

Society’s design

Boggles the mind

Before it is placed

In a spot

Called the proverbial box

Where you will follow suit until the very end

But as a rule, you don’t have to stay in

Your mind is a priceless tool for what you aspire to be

Regardless of origin, crime, or design – screw the set-up;  freedom is for free!

Trinity

Ocean

Ocean (Photo credit: ouistitis)

Strange it seems, but could it be

Easier to be someone else instead of just being me

Becoming you when with me I am not pleased

Oblivious to winds that roar o’er the waves of stirring seas

Sand between my toes

As I ponder not on recent woes

Walking along to pick up shells

While conjuring memories of my former selves

Who made their homes on decorated shelves

Aloof from imagined waves crying when all is not well 

To be out of the elements is to find a perfect spot

Far away from who I used to be but now am not

Dwelling on my befores that fulfill no more

Still I beckon their return when my now waxes sore

I must move on for the days are not long

In a world where wrong is right and right is therefore wrong

But truly do these two only in our minds exist

Or could it be our minds that choose these two to twist

Nevertheless we press on in search of that higher ground

Blocked by an eon’s horizon ’til eternity’s  sun goes down

Now lives faithfully as does before

I shall abide in them until time causes them to live no more

I at that time will with me and myself become one

Just as I Am when forever is come

Aside

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