Through times of unbalance
We stand on weighty scales
Pondering each side
Which wins, which fails
The sun goes down each day
Like an anchor in the sea’s floor
We graciously abide with less, while needing more
Smiles of momentary bliss flow
Though not many deeply know
One reality from another
In the life of a strange mother
Trek through a Thought
28 May 2016 5 Comments
May 3, 2013 – Blog Dare Prompt – My Neighborhood…
07 May 2013 2 Comments
in Home, Make Your Life Work, Poetry - Healing Words Tags: Blog Dare, Bloggy Moms, Child, Education, Games, kids, Love Nest, Marriage, Math, Neighborhood, Parenting, People, Spending Quality Time With Your Kids
My neighborhood is nothing like the one that I moved out of
Twelve years ago
Back then, there was never a dull moment
It’s not that way now – good? I guess so
I was so much younger then, newly married
Oh, what a time it was – didn’t get much sleep
No kids, partying, staying out late
The only young married couple on our street
He went to work, I stayed home
Cooking and cleaning our little love nest
I tried working for awhile
But we decided that my staying home would be best
There were a bunch of little kids always hanging around
They were so much fun to watch out for
While playing right in front of my apartment
Occasionally knocking on my door
I would read stories to them and sometimes break up their little spars
They always came to me for band-aids
To cover their scrapes, cuts, and scars
When they wanted candy, they knew that they could come to me
I always kept a stash for when they showed up
It wasn’t that they couldn’t buy their own
I guess they just needed some time with a grown-up
I would check their homework and help them with their math
Telling them to always do better than a C
They hung on to my every word
Even called me Auntie
I wonder where those kids are now
What did they do with their lives
Why would someone have all those kids
But not help them to thrive
Where I live now is quite different
I now have my own children to raise
They will never need a play auntie
To show them love in their young days
I will watch them grow, learn and play
In my own back yard
I am their teacher
When their homework is hard
They have their mama to rely on
At any given time
My neighborhood is nothing like the old one
The kids I love now are mine
May 2, 2013 Blog Dare Prompt – I Will Never Lose…
07 May 2013 Leave a comment
my faith in God. There have been so many instances and incidents where I could have easily given up and said screw it all, but why would I do that? If my mind and heart has been staid all of these years up until now, I figure that there is no reason for me to change unless something so drastic happens that I have no choice. I am here to tell you now that the beginning of my very life was so drastic once I learned about it as well as one other situation during my childhood that I am convinced and that there is not much left that can change what I believe now…it just wouldn’t make much sense to say that what has occurred over my lifetime was merely a compiled set of incidents that can only be attributed to coincidence.
Let’s begin at my entrance into this world. I know that I was there, but the fact that I was being born at the time should make clear the point that I actually had no idea what was actually going on in a realistically conscious sense. However, spiritually I must say that I very well may have known what was happening at the time, because all things work together for the good – right?
Okay. Long story short, I was not even supposed to be born because as my mother (R.I.P. Momma!) stated years ago that despite being under somewhat heavy sedation due to pre-natal distress, she could hear the doctor saying what a shame it was to have to ‘let the baby go’ in order to save the mother who had four other children to raise and that it was the best decision that he could make given the situation. He had decided that it would make more sense to save the mother of this unborn child who just happened to far exceed the birth weight that mother was able to accommodate (as never having had a baby over five pounds due to some other issue) instead of saving the baby and leaving the father with four children to raise by himself while having to work to take care of them at the same time.
This was not a common deal back in November of 1970, so the doctor stated that the child would have to be aborted immediately as a result of being too large to even attempt the journey through my mother’s severely and insufficiently capacious birth canal. For some reason, there was no time for an emergency C-section which has become the savior of today’s distressed births. I am not sure if there were no epidurals back then or what – I just remember Momma saying that time had run out and there was no other choice but to inevitably abort.
Keeping in mind that I was a rather sneaky kid who did not always follow the golden rule of actually leaving the room when ‘grown folks’ were talking, I could overhear the discussion one night as Momma and whoever company was (probably her sisters who were all in agreement that this was one of the most frightening times of their own lives) reminisced over the situation some odd years later. I will never forget how badly I regretted being a master eavesdropper that night which in turn caused me to obey that golden rule from then on…mostly anyway.
She then began to describe what she was thinking (while under) about how her precious baby would die and how devastated she would be afterwards. The next statements really threw me for a loop as she spoke about how she heard a ‘voice’ telling her to push regardless of the fact that she had already heard her OBGYN say that she would die upon giving birth. The story went on to describe how my mom felt herself tearing as I came out while the doctor and his crew frantically rushed to prepare themselves for this shocking change in plans while also readying themselves to inform my dad of the deaths that were definitely in store. She said that she knew that I was here when she realized that she had totally ‘come apart’ while the staff took care of a perfectly healthy baby just before performing a very intricate re-constructive surgery in order to try to get her back to somewhat normal. As a result, the next baby that was born into our family, Mom ended up having a scheduled C-section five years later because a regular birth was completely out of the question.
Anyway, Momma went on to describe an incident where she mentioned ‘hemorrhaging’ which could not have been good due to the fact that she said that she collapsed and was rushed back to the hospital for however long – me at the age of a few days, she had to depend on sisters to take care of the baby and the other kids while Dad worked. Apparently someone stayed at the house with us while Mom was in the hospital – I don’t remember who, but I did have some siblings who were old enough to help out.
Somehow, Momma came back home, healed, and went back to her normal mothering, cooking, taking care of home, and being the best mother that anyone could ever ask for. She attributes us making it through that ordeal strictly to God because of that voice along with the rest of the miraculous events such as her very survival. She told everyone that I was her ‘miracle child’. Though I had no idea of how to live up to that name, I tried my best although I’m sure that I didn’t do so well along the way years after, but that is my first reason for my undying faith.
The next comes from a regular doctor’s visit to my pediatrician at around the age of seven. They found a problem with my heart. Irregular beat, murmur, and after several abnormal EKGs and ultrasounds, I would need open heart surgery to correct the problem. Now, the final decision was made around the age of eleven because I was still going to my original pediatrician for some years before the problem was officially diagnosed. I cannot remember the actual name of the problem, but it was there – found by the new doctor and the specialist that he referred us to. Something about a blocked valve is all that I can really remember.
I find it strange how I can remember some things just a little bit while others as if it were yesterday, but I do remember my mom on the phone with church members and relatives speaking about them all planning to pray at certain times of the day. One day in particular, she was on the phone while ironing everyone’s clothes for the week. We were in hers and Dad’s bedroom, when I suddenly stopped paying attention to what was on TV. I saw a little lady (that is how I remember it) appear right in front of me, bathed in white and light. Mom was talking about how they were keeping up with their prayers and how she would NOT lose me after all that it took to bring me into this world when the little lady smiled at me. We did not speak, but I knew what she was saying as she and I- apparently (as I know now), communicating telepathically. My mom had no idea of what was going on with me while this was happening and I didn’t mention it until much later.
I can distinctly remember having no fear of dying which I knew would surely happen if I had the surgery. The little lady told me that there was nothing to fear and I told her that I didn’t want to die because it would hurt my whole family and they would be crying. First of all, I could never stand the thought of either of my parents crying, but after all – I was the ‘miracle child’. All of this was happening with no one talking except my mom and whoever she was on the phone with. The lady bathed in white and light said that great was my faith and love, so all that I needed to do was to pray for my friend. I would live and not die (she shook her head – no), but I would have some sadness in my life although I would get through that also. Little sparks of light went from her and landed on me as I accepted what she said, somehow knowing the ‘friend’ that she implied. It is still funny now how I felt that day, seeing the peace, joy, and unconditional love that I would experience, but choosing to stay put because I pretty much had it already. The little lady thanked me and disappeared. I felt a calm as my mom hung up the phone.
She had been talking to the Avon lady who had a daughter that had become quite close to me over time. She had been scheduled to go in for the exact same surgery that I was, but my mom and our church were praying for her too!
I said my prayer for my friend. A couple of years later in our pre-teens Taska (my friend) had gone through the same surgery that I was supposed to have had, but didn’t after the doctors could NOT find the problem that they had seen before, (believe me, they looked for it) but miraculously, it was no longer there. I could now join the marching band with no worries, and the day that Taska and her mother came to visit, I was ecstatic! She showed me her zipper just before we discovered that she also had become a flute player in her high school’s band. (There was no middle school back then) – We watched our mothers cry in relief while praising that same God that had seen fit to bring me into this world, I guess for the very purpose of being living proof that faith in Him does pay off.
I have seen many other miracles happen to others in my life…things that you would probably say are a coincidence or maybe you would even say that it didn’t even happen, but I would not be writing this if it hadn’t. I don’t knock what anyone believes and I don’t accept being knocked either, so what happened – happened, and I am proud to say that it did. Life was different then, and today as a real-life non-church going yet full-fledged believing Christian, (I have changed my views on some things over time and I do not attribute my outcome to ‘church’ but faith), I can honestly say that… with all of this being said and much more to come…
I will never lose my faith in God.
By the way, my birth weight was 8’11!
Thanks for reading!
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May 1, 2013 Blog Dare Prompt – Each Time That I am About to Accomplish Something…
07 May 2013 Leave a comment
I seem to get sidetracked by something else – totally! I mean, seriously…I can be dead set on starting one type of project or another when something happens to stop me. Usually it is something at home that needs to be dealt with immediately, and there goes my little project. It is not that I don’t plan well or that I simply do not possess the quality characteristic of being consistent, (though there is much room for improvement), things just happen this way for me. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even have to be a an actual ‘project’ such as writing a new poem or post for my blog, nor does it have to be an actual home emergency – just regular stuff…whatever that is – although this is the case a lot of the time. To put it plainly, it could be something as simple as planning dinner for the day, so I will use this common task as my ‘for instance’ in order to ultimately reach the main point of the actual gist of this post. For example, let’s just say that my plan for the day is to have dinner done before three o’clock so it will be ready by the time my husband gets home and I can be doing something else (like being here on the blog), get the laundry done, and maybe use my ‘break time’ between these chores to at least begin a new blog post. While separating the colors from the whites, my youngest will begin his daily campaign for snacks. All of this usually takes place after he has finished his mom-given daily educational online exercises followed by a nice session of Roblox gaming, and it is time for him to turn the desktop over to his big brother (6-yrs old). Herein lies the catch to feigned hunger.
I always give them breakfast first thing in the morning and I make sure to give them a small snack a couple of hours later, so this young man is asking for snacks over what he has already been given. I can’t help but wonder if he is going through a growth spurt or something, because his appetite has been quite ravenous lately. It is as if I haven’t given him anything to eat since the day began, and when he gets this way, it can be just a tad annoying. I apparently am not able to sufficiently feed my rambunctious little lad of four years , because he is always sneaking into the fridge and upon being caught, he will continue to act as if I have given him the thumbs up as he pulls out turkey slices and cheese to make wraps or either a sandwich for himself. To give credit where it is due, he does have the common courtesy to also offer to whip up a snack for his siblings. He waits patiently for me to either give in or go off the deep end before attempting to continue on with his adorably manipulative ploy.
Now, I have always taught my children to speak their minds and to be clear on the points that they are trying to make…I guess maybe he took in this teaching a little too well. Persistent is an understatement when it comes to this kid with his constant questions of why it is not time for the snack, when he can have the snack and of course what time will it be when I make the snack. This array of questions will undoubtedly go on until I am finally able to make it stop. I consider it a plus that he usually knows when he has hit that last nerve and will sometimes cease the onslaught all on his own, but depending on the time, I will either leave the laundry and make snacks for all three of the kids, or give the youngest some age appropriate educational tasks until snack/lunch time finally comes.
Needless to say, I have now been put back on the laundry, so as I am frantically trying to get that done, the day has practically gone by and guess what – I haven’t even thawed out the meat for dinner! I have completely forgotten that I was even supposed to me making dinner…at least until I hear the low growl coming from my own empty belly. Sooo, I end up moving backwards to get everything done while pecking away periodically at the keyboard for a quick post, much like I am doing now.
With clothes in the washer and a family pack of wings or thighs in the microwave on compu-defrost, I manage to get a paragraph or two in before it is time to transfer the clothes from the washer to the dryer before starting another load. (I am very seldom granted enough mercy to have only one load a day)…The chicken is still not thawed, so I take care of that while simultaneously fussing about the kids cleaning up various messes that have been made while I was trapped in the washroom with the clothes. Soon after, the cycle of snack propositions, a variety of ‘no’ answers, more 4-year-old geared educational occupying tactics, and keyboard pecking takes place before I am finally able to put dinner on well after three.
My husband walks through the front door to receive his daily greeting of jumps, hugs and kisses (I call it a physical attack) from the kids who are extremely happy to see him as if he has been gone for weeks before he asks what smells so good and when will it be ready. Just for the record, he is asking about the chicken baking in the oven and not me. My reply as usual, “When it’s done dude.” We both smile as he walks out the back door to feed the dogs and scoop poop while I try to remember to make sure that the house doesn’t burn down in the unfortunate case that I forget that I am cooking.
The day always (for the most part) ends with us all having a nicely non-burnt dinner, last clean-up and baths before bedtime, and even more typing before sleep overtakes us all. It was a good day. We have leftovers for the next day which will give me a little time to work on my post, yay! I made it once again despite being sidetracked into that abysmal pool of distracting forgetfulness due to well – you know.
My goal is to one day have myself as well as the kids on a ‘schedule’, but in the meantime what I have just described is an actual typical day in my household. I purposefully left out cleaning the house, making sure that the kids are getting their schoolwork done, answering a phone that never stops ringing, along with repeatedly changing my clothes to accommodate my daily dose of hot and cold flash turbulence…basically in order to explain my situation using a single set of scenarios. I had to do it this way because otherwise I would surely have found myself once again – sidetracked!
Despite all of the above, I have been used to things working this way for me for so long that while I am aware that this is not what most would call ‘normal’, it happens to be the norm for me until one day by some miracle, things change. If not, well…I am pretty much conditioned to having my last nerved jumped on, dealing with several worrisome situations at one time, and pretty much forgetting the rest until I finally remember it – which on occasion is the next day or so. This no longer bothers me to a point where I want to pull my hair out, however it is still a bit annoying especially when I have veered so far off from my initial plan of whatever it was that I intended to do in the first place. Though I really could benefit from ‘having it another way’, I must accept it for what it is, embrace it, and move on because it is what it is and we are what we are. Just in case ‘we are’ as crazy as I think, I embrace that also – it is ‘our crazy’, and despite the unending annoyances, I love it!
The one thing that I would never trade in or change is my group of three overly energetic yet exceptionally bright children. Oh yeah, I wouldn’t change the hub either, hahahahaha!! They all are my reason for living and my inspiration for wanting to do things that I have never done or thought that I would be able to do.
Just think of how this story would have turned out if I had actually added details concerning my six and twelve-year-old! I will have to save them for future posts, because I would never finish this one otherwise.
In a nutshell, each time that I am about to accomplish something… life happens.
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