Shades of Self

The past couple of weeks have been filled with more family business and a bit of exhaustion. However, I am in the process of researching some issues that are necessary for installment #9 (which may spill into other installments) of Continual Resort, so I am taking my time with the story, although I am excited about having the next part published. I have been thinking about possibly ending published posts at installment #10 or maybe #12, but I’m not sure. I would like to compile all of the installments into a book (probably an ebook for my first time), but I feel that I may be able to add more to it to compose an actual novel or maybe a ‘novelette’, so once I get to the 10th or 12th installment, I will be finishing the story privately until I am ready to either give it away or sell it. I am aware that this may be a rather slow process as I have a lot to learn about self-publishing etc., so any tips that you guys have for me will be greatly appreciated. This process may take quite a while, but I am so excited about making a new move – YAY!

I am also in the process of stocking up on books for this fall (in ebook form or otherwise) from some folks that I follow and who follow me that I am very anxious to take in the stories that they have published. I have already purchased ‘Pathways to Illumination’ by ChristyB at poeticparfait.com – can we say AWESOME??? I also intend to enjoy a novel called ‘The Eyedancers’ in which the first three chapters can be found on the blog which has the same name. Those first chapters truly held me captive and I cannot wait to get the book – this story is so intriguingly suspense filled and wonderful! Among others intended, I also contemplate the purchase of Kellie Elmore’s ‘Magic in the Backyard’ as well as every other book that she has written – naturally!

I intend to thoroughly enjoy the fall months with these works among others, and hopefully one day you will all be able to do the same with mine in due time.

I didn’t add links to the bloggers that I mentioned because I have not yet asked for permission despite the fact that I truly love going to their spaces and indulging in what they have to say and offer. Also, due to my slow technical abilities, I will need to take some allotted time out to get this all done in one post  – hopefully on installment #9 of Continual Resort.

Until then, please go and check these extremely talented writers out – you will be well pleased.

For now, I have written a poem that features colors. I guess this piece is derived from the slew of weirdness that I have experienced over the previous months although things are really peaceful now and have been for a while – hence – the weirdness.

Hope you enjoy! ❤

Shades of Self

On days when my sun beams shadows , I find a Dogwood tree

To find shelter and protection from fearful black rays

Then, night falls and my moon emits a dingy cream spotlight held solely on me

I cannot veer from it, for it menacingly stays

Milky blades of navy grass lay helpless under my feet

Refusing to be the hue that they should be

Nothing is as it was; deliberate, light, and sweet

It seems long forgotten when true colors I could see

Discernment has become impossibility…

Temporarily; until I flee…

From confusing woes and heavy lows

But I shall not remain there

Giving in is not an option behind tangerine dripping blows

That strike as charcoal lines of lightening, sending me on a tear

Pain or pressure, I cannot evenly tell

Which of them laugh at me the most

But I fought back until my brown eyes welled

With tears of wrath, til pink dust flew up as a ghost

Knowing the difference escaped me for a while…

Until intolerance for what beset became vomit-green vile…

The smoke soon cleared, but my skin turned grey

The golden needle of my inner compass failed

Refusing to show me the way

“You – you are a damned liar!” I mutt-brown wailed.

Even though I shouted from a hidden place

Knees shaking, voice in a quiver

Yellow uncertainty covered my face

Still…white, smoldering determination lulled me thither

To that glowing gateway that always stands

Guiding me back to myself

Into the midst of bright familiar lands

To own transparent peace is to have true wealth

Apparently I had been heard

From a murky place somewhere outside

Of myself, for this place reversed my words

The royal violet gateway opened; I no longer needed to hide

Discernment is now a possibility…

I can see clearer this stoic tree…

My shelter now stands alone

Temporarily empty inside and underneath

I have left it and am gone

Away and up out of the depths of the neon indigo heath

Confusion filled woes are replaced

With exactness of what is – as I am

Accepting the imperfections of my space

Releasing my glass-like ethereal dam

My sun beams now, brightly

My moon discreetly does the same

I take not the palette of life lightly

Discernment left briefly, but the aura of strength timely came

The colors don’t really matter much

Unless you take heed

To the revelations and such

That make our hearts bleed

There is a shelter for anyone to run inside

We choose our own locations

We either sink or ride

The waves of our own reservations

In what shade does your sun shine most

Does your night tell all?

Is the color of your strength a protection post…

Lest you fall?

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Advertisements

Aside

Continual Resort -|’Back to Life’

I guess that this is the making of a chapter, a part 2, or something else…I’m not sure how all of this will turn out but I will continue with it as I am able. Anyway, I used Kellie Elmore’s word bank from her Free Write Friday prompt from last week to help me out…thanks Kellie! ❤

‘Back to Life’… the next scene from an earlier post Continual Resort.

At first sight of his reality, Donny Robertson came to, finding himself standing dumbfounded in his kitchen with a look and brief feeling of disbelief at Linda who was huddled on the floor glaring up at him in anger, but strangely with no fear – no tears. Slowly she raised herself from the floor and defiantly uttered, “Well, I guess you feel better now huh?” Her statement brought on a sense of knowing that swathed him like a blanket as he realized what had just happened and why. It was yet again another blackout that had followed one of his outbursts of anger that seemed to overtake him from time to time though not often. He had ignored what he called his ‘fits’ because usually after it happened, there was no real memory of the cause and surely not the effect of them. “Damn!” The guilt that he now felt overrode his surprise of the realization that this was the first time that he had ever gone this far. He had never hit her no matter what. That is what he had been taught all of his life, but somehow what he had vowed to never do had crept its way into his life – he thought – without warning. “How could I have known that I would one day hit this bitch?” He questioned himself as if some other entity accompanied them at that time, but he knew that it was actually his own mind and conscience who had been the author of his questions, confusion, and actions. He was truly sorry for what he had done, but when he apologized (knowing that this was his system of survival at home with Linda, but with no one and nowhere else), Linda rubbed her cheek, still holding a light burn where she had been slapped. “Don’t worry…it’ll come back to you later.” With a calm demeanor, Linda casually walked off to lock herself into their bedroom, grabbed the remote, and flicked the television on to her favorite drama series.

Standing there alone in the kitchen, Donny immediately reached up to open the top right cabinet door to grab the bottle of vodka and his glass. “A good screwdriver will clear my head…yeah, right!” he thought to himself as he reached into the refrigerator for the orange juice. Overtaken by cumbersome mobility, Donny set his glass on the counter with shaking hands, but with each clink of ice to glass, he felt more comfortable with himself; especially once that first swallow made its way down the hatch. He needed to calm down, he needed his hands to stop shaking, he desperately needed to admit that he had ultimately fucked up royally this time. Upon gathering his ‘needs’ collectively in his mind, he knew that two out of three wouldn’t be so bad after having the same number of drinks. 

Finding comfort in the relaxed state that he was now in while still sipping and watching the sports channel, Donny knew that his last need would take a lot of work to get himself ‘right’. The problem was that he just didn’t know what it was that needed to be done about it, but not slapping the shit out of his girlfriend would probably help. “But, how can that happen when I can’t let go of what she did?, Where dey do dat at?” Swinging his past shoulder length dreds where they could all fall to his  back, Donny lifted his backside off of the worn sofa while still holding his half empty (half full) glass to reach into the pocket of his rough-dried jeans for a large rubber band. He had collected several of them from various dollar stores along with gathering them from his father’s newspaper subscription. It didn’t matter as long as he acquired the look that he wanted while also moving the hair out-of-the-way. “Moving shit out-of-the-way and still being fab rocks.” With the first glass finished, Donny returned to his kitchen and proceeded to make another screwdriver.

Meanwhile:

Linda was getting high. With a light cough she told herself, “Ahh, pleasantly relaxed again, hehe!” As she reached over to the nightstand for her pair of tweezers, she clamped the short of the marijuana cigarette so that she could savor the last puffs that remained.  Texting back and forth to her sister about the show only added to the funniness of their conversation which was full of mutual laughter. Her older sister had been through thick and thin with Linda.  The trailer park that they had lived in growing up had been their home as well as their worst nightmare, but that didn’t matter now – for once. “Girl, did you see that? Aaahaha! These people are so fucked up that it makes me feel like I’m not so bad after all!” “I know, right sis?” “Yeah girl, you would think that rich folks would act like they had better sense, but apparently you can take the bitch outta the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto outta tha bitch.” Linda burst into laughter loudly with her sister while in both the back of their minds, images of their past lay dormant despite its presence… each of them playing their own starring roles as if in a  best-selling cinema piece, but residing in the back of their minds…the presence danced menacingly…silently.

When Linda and her sister were done with their conversation about the series, she lay herself back on the bed…her mind went to the incident that had occurred with Donny, “Dude, get it together, it is what it is – ugh!” She nonchalantly turned on her side and fell into a liquor with hemp induced sleep. Moving images slipped through her psyche similar to one who held too much change in the palm of their hand as one lone coin managed to slip through the fingers of the holder…the sound of the series of pinging spins before lying perfectly still lulled Linda into a slumber filled with darkness without real dreams. There would be no valid thoughts or philosophies when she awoke…she would simply become conscious to greet the day ahead.

I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THIS DONE! I NOW FEEL THAT I CAN PROGRESS WITH THIS NOW, YAY!!!

Okay, it has been a while (about two weeks) since I have posted anything. In all honesty, I have dealt with some health issues and in the midst of that, my mind has been in a bit of a whirl spin. The only comfort that I have found has been to read the blogs that I follow as well as blogs that I have found because of the wonderful writers who daily lead me into another world straight from my WordPress Reader. There are so many other writers that I follow that have blown my mind with what they have and are still expressing on their blogs that I can’t even explain how you guys inspire me, but I hope that what I write will give you an inkling of an idea of how much I look forward to waking up each morning to log in to my reader.

I have learned so much from reading the work of Ms. Elmore and so many other bloggers here that I am not able to post every link that I would like to refer to, but as time moves on, I will get better at this tech savvy stuff. In the meantime, I hope that you enjoyed reading ‘Back to LIfe’. It was suggested by a fellow blogger that I continue with the story that I started 2 weeks ago, so I really appreciate that suggestion because it has put me in a place to break through yet another shell.

Thanks for reading!

 

Aside

Free Write Friday|Kellie Elmore – Continual Resort

I have so enjoyed everyone’s short stories from last week’s Free Write Friday|Kellie Elmore’s prompt that I decided to try the free style short story bit out, but couldn’t resist the urge to rhyme so here is a mixture of the two!

Continual Resort

The sound of the rustle of tall weeds awoke him as his eyes opened to a rolling cloud filled with dust which signified the immediate misery that assailed his thoughts upon becoming coherent of his new surroundings. He knew exactly where he was…alone…again. In an attempt to breathe in a sigh of usual acceptance due to the state of his current solitary existence, the humidity in the air stifled the process of inhalation, howbeit; at a relieving exhale, that feeling of deliverance returned as always.

“Well, this is a new one for me…

never thought that here is where I would find myself to be…”

He could feel thick patches of dirt sticking to his back as he raised himself up on one elbow to be still just before sitting up; legs outstretched in front of his weary body. Flailing one hand at his back to knock off the dirt, he noticed that his bare legs had practically baked under the heat of the sun. The smell of his own souring sweat filled extremely dry nostrils, and as if involuntarily, one hand reached up to pick strands of burnt grass – also causing even more grains of dirt to fall from the stickiness of his hair which was now matted with heat, sweat, and natural products of the elements. No birds flew or sang happily overhead as he again raised his eyes to the sky only to be blinded yet comforted by the sun and its brief incapacitating power of causing him to not be able to see what was in front of him. He did not want to see…neither did he want to feel anything now save the heat that seared his skin and the discomfort of the thickness of the hot and lonely atmosphere in this place.

“No pain, no gain

I guess that I should be content, 

but it would be nice to have a little rain.”

Just after this thought escaped his enclosed mind, the long and dusty billowing cloud opened ever so slightly to release a slow pattern of warm to lukewarm raindrops that without warning turned into a tepid downpour; washing away all that previously adhered. This refreshing coolness rejuvenated and strengthened him enough to where he was able to place himself on all fours in order raise momentarily on his knees. At a quick glance at the ground upon becoming upright was when he was struck with the realization that not a stitch of clothing covered his bare, sunburned, and now not so dirty body. The earlier happenings before his arrival here must have been a real doozy, but in this moment – the past did not matter regardless of how late whatever had happened not long ago entailed. His immediate assumption was that his nakedness must have meant that he had succeeded in another escape from an insurmountable pain to which there was no choice but to be catapulted into some other realm in order to keep from totally losing it. He could actually feel the freedom that he so desperately needed to survive and under the welcomed, rainy torrent – feeling stronger now and with outstretched arms, he belted out a solemn sincere prayer under roaring thunder to whomever – be it himself or another who had been the author of his prompt escape from confusion…

“Oooohhh, thank you – I SO needed this,

I have been cleansed – could this be bliss?

Whatever it was, it is now gone,

Though I am alone – my strength is damn strong –

But still, not damned to a living of NO;

Through You – I’ll always have somewhere to go!

Why should I care if it’s there or in this crazy place?

As long as I return while able to save face!”

It seemed as if it had never happened when the rain, wind, thunder at the same time suddenly stopped! All that was left from this particular episode of subconsciously self-endorsed elopement was to the right of him, a small puddle in which he could see his reflection at first sight of turning to look into it. Peering into this nature induced impromptu mirror revealed the faces of an obedient yet mischievous child that morphed into a rebellious but depressed, hurting but creative teen, which finally evolved into the gift, artist, poet, victim, philosopher, warrior, and then – the monster! Not much to his surprise, these changes came in that exact order although he was well aware that each image shown on the water was a true replica of the many facets of himself. Though slightly perturbed at the monstrous side of his reflection, he was still aware that it had been born from his past as well as his presence of which he was at the moment – totally free from. He completely refused to give up this feeling of self-vindication from past woes despite the fact that this rebellious and retaliatory presence was prominent. Now deep in thought at the possibility of the necessity to find a way to cancel out the monster, he suddenly became viciously irate at himself for not having an inkling of an idea of how to go about this much-needed process. He prayed again:

“This must be the calm that comes after the storm,

Why do I see myself as anything but the norm?

Will I ever reach the heart of my true self that was meant?

Or should I just waste the rest of my time not well spent?

Why is the hate so strong –

So prominent in my life?

Could it be from having no mother – no wife?

Regardless, this is not who I truly should be…

My time shall forever be spent finding me.”

With a sense of relief, he stood in full stance…the birds began to fly and sing, a cool breeze made the tall weeds dance.

The dusty cloud now clean split apart revealing blue skies…it’s bright colors drowning out past woes – inner cries.

Taking in a long deep breath from clean air physically and mentally soothed;

Giving new light to a better outlook and the strength to not be moved,

By the pain of abandonment felt by a boy suffering from rejection;

The presence of the man having slaughtered the monster created from constant dejection.

Now exhausted from this journey, he lay himself down and fell into a deep sleep

Covered in tall weeds that made a soft bed temporarily for fresh dreams to keep.

He did not worry at all about his eventual return;

To life where truths hurt and harsh realities burned.

He knew that to continue was the plan to survive;

Knowing that there would always be a continual resort whenever hard times arrived.

 

 

 

It took me a while, but this was truly a blast, thanks to Kellie Elmore rocking the FWF!! 🙂

Aside

Poem #7 – Moving

English: Lubnaclach in splendid isolation. It ...

English: Lubnaclach in splendid isolation. It prompted me to think of the poem, “Ozymandias”, where Shelley says, “Round the decay / Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare / The lone and level sands stretch far away” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Days in a daze

Life is a maze

Treading on grass blades

Direction unknown

Layer after layer falls

Bare is the heart that calls

Life stalls

Status alone

An outlook demure

A mind unsure

Faith is the cure

Live on

Aside

Home Lifestyles

Top Posts & Pages

%d bloggers like this: